Bittersweet

I have been blessed to have had a long relationship with Jesus. Like most of my relationships, it has had its up and downs. At times I have paid it great attention and been rewarded beyond my wildest dreams. At others, I have neglected it to my detriment. Ironically, the times I have been closest to Him, heard Him the clearest and felt Him nearest, have been during the most stressful times of my life. When things are good, I tend to start relying on my own strength, making the mistake of thinking I have life under control. Now that makes God laugh!

When I first started seeking God's will for my life, I didn't think I was all that bad. Oh I was sure I had a few areas that needed spiffing up, but no major renovations necessary. After all, I was a good person right? The more time I spent with God, the brighter His light shone into the nooks and crannies of my heart. Wow. There was a lot more dirt there than I thought: all the little selfishnesses that I excused, judgmental attitudes that I justified and the "martyr" spirit of "If I want something done right around this house, I have to do it myself." Any of this sound familiar to anyone? It is so easy to ask God to have mercy on me and turn around and demand "justice" for the one who has offended me.

Fortunately, God is patient with us. I know He was with me. The longer I walked with Him the sweeter getting to know Him became. The bitter came as He revealed to me attitudes and actions that were not pleasing to Him. Sometimes we are afraid to go to God because we aren't quite sure we really want to hear what He has to say. Will He make us give up something dear? (Maybe) Will our old friends reject us? (Maybe)Will we make new friends?(Yes) Will following Him really be worth it? (YES) The truth is walking with Jesus will change you. Yes, you will have to give some things up. However, God replaces whatever He asks you to sacrifice with something far greater, a peace and a strength that only He can give. I like myself much better now, even though I have a much better understanding of my weaknesses. I have no illusions about my own "goodness." Anything good in me is the result of Christ in me, the hope of glory. I know the type of person I would be, and sometimes still am :), without the grace of God guiding me. There is great freedom in admitting our failings and our need for Jesus to save us daily from ourselves. I don't have to have it all together. That isn't bitter. That is sweet.