Thoughts on Isaiah 26:3 and the loss of Lane Meyer and Zach Ladd

He will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.

I just love that God doesn't say "whose eyes are stayed on Thee". Sometimes life is just so dark and the pain so great that we see nothing but that darkness and pain. God's perfect peace does not eliminate the pain but it does give us the moment by moment strength to bear up when it doesn't seem possible that we can draw another breath. Surely the grief alone should stop our hearts and take us home to be with our loved ones. Yet another day comes and we are still here wondering how to navigate this gaping hole in our lives. Getting dressed, brushing teeth, fixing a meal become acts of great endurance. Fatigue stalks us. Grief our constant companion.

I love Elisabeth Elliot's quote "Do the next thing." Some of the best advice I have ever heard. After her missionary husband,Jim Elliot, was murdered by Auca Indians in Ecuador, she was left a widow with a 10 month old baby girl. Yet she returned to Ecuador and was instrumental in bring Christ to the very people who murdered her husband. How did she do it? She took it one moment at a time. She did the next thing.

After great loss, decision making is exceptionally difficult. Focus is lost even in the simplest things. Doing the next thing could be as simple as taking a nap, eating a bite, changing clothes, taking a shower and that is okay. The injury is horrendous and the greater the injury the longer the healing will take but we will never be the same. We will survive but we will never be the same. But God can restore us and give us new hope that all is not lost.

We walk by faith and not by sight. When it is this dark, many times we cannot see or feel God but He is still there. We cannot see this side of heaven what good can come of such loss and honestly we don't care. No answer is sufficient in the raw stages of grief. We want our loved one back. We want the clock to rewind and it all to be a bad dream. But the clock is not going to go backward so we have to find a way to move forward whether we want to or not.

We have to stay our mind on what we know of the character of God and choose to believe what we know while not denying what we feel.

I wrote this poem this morning:

When the days are so dark
that you cannot see,
How can you keep your mind
focused on Thee?

It is by faith we walk dear
not by our sight.
It is not with our eyes dear.
It is not by our might.

Come boldly to the throne dear
to ask for your needs.
He hears your groans dear.
His strength you'll receive.

He is not threatened
by your anger or doubts
He loves you forever.
He will not cast you out.

He has not changed dear
He is the same.
Come sunshine. Come harvest.
Come torrent. Come pain.

When all seems impossible.
When all seems lost.
Remember no glory can come
without first bearing our cross.

Rest in the promises dear
you know to be true.
Rest in what you know dear.
He IS with you.

"And lo I am with you always even to the ends of the age." Matthew 28:20

God's "Contradictions"

1. Only by total surrender can we achieve total victory. Rom 8:37

2. Less is more: You can live better on 90% than 100% Malachi 3:10

3. To become great, become less. Matt 23:11

4. In weakness, strength. 2 Cor 12:19

5. Putting God 1st , husband 2nd, children 3rd, and yourself last benefits your family more than putting your family 1st. Ex 20:3, Mt 10:37
(This does not mean selfishly using God as an excuse to avoid family obligations, but diligently seeking His will in everything first and foremost)

I Placed My Hope

I placed my hope in others,
and I was disappointed.

I placed my hope in myself,
and the result was the same.

I tried religion, politics, science and education,
all left me empty and wanting.

Then I placed my hope in Jesus,
and the hole in my heart became whole.

Limitations or Opportunities

Last summer, I began experiencing pain in my hands, especially when I had to grip anything. The middle finger of my right hand was the first to hurt. (And no, it was not from making ugly gestures in traffic as my dear husband sarcastically suggested.) Slowly, it progressed to both hands, then to elbows, shoulders, neck, and ankles. Monday, I finally received a diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is what I have, not who I am.

Fibromyalgia is real and elusive. No cause is known. No cure is known. It occurs more often in women than men. The best explanation is that the nerve endings that report pain, just keep firing for no reason. Your body reacts as if there is a real pain stimulus, causing the muscles to contract. This results in widespread pain and fatigue. The great news is it is not life threatening. Living with fibromyalgia appears to be an ongoing learning curve of pain management. The goal is to maximize the good days and minimize the bad ones. Accept. Adapt. Adjust.

Personally, I blame the Keebler elves. After being cooped up in that tree all day, forced to make cookies with out union benefits, they want a little down time. So at night, they sneak out and whack me with little elf size baseball bats. That aggression has to go somewhere. I haven't caught them yet, but I am sure that is how the cookie crumbs got in my bed. Surely, my husband wouldn't eat cookies in bed and leave crumbs? I didn't think so. I digress. Back to the elves, elves are mean! That cute image is a facade. If I could just catch 'em, I think I could take 'em. This is my theory and I am sticking to it. HHHHmmmmm, maybe it is a good thing I left the medical research field!

Due to the attacks of rogue elves, pain of various intensity greets me most mornings. Fatigue awaits me many evenings. Many hours in between are normal. The variability and unpredictability are frustrating, making it difficult to plan my days. Yet, life is good. Christ is with me every minute of every day. He is teaching me how to ask for help, from Him, my family and others, something I am not very good at. Self-sufficiency comes much more naturally to me.

I tend to live by the "It's just easier to do it yourself than to ask for help." philosophy. Humility, it is a good thing, but painful in its own way to learn. My good days give me hope. My bad days build my faith and teach me to lean hard on my Savior. I am blessed to have an amazingly supportive, loving husband, two wonderful daughters and great Christian friends who pray for me. Life IS good. God IS great, even on my worst day. Everybody has something! This is just my something.


Regardless of whether my pain is Keebler elf-induced or stems from overzealous nerve endings firing indescriminately, I have a choice to make. I can let my symptoms define and control me or I can walk day by day with Christ. I choose door number two. I have no desire to sit around and "what if" myself into depression or worry. Instead of mourning what I can't do, I choose to focus on what I can. God is teaching me something about Him and about me. How good a pupil will I choose to be? The truth is God was sovereign before I was diagnosed and last I checked that hadn't changed. His grace is sufficient.

I will not let a disorder define me or my life. It may alter how I live it, but it doesn't define me. I chose to define myself as Christ defines me since I turned my life completely over to Him: I am a beloved daughter of my King, a royal princess, the apple of His eye. If His eye is on the sparrow, I know He has not lost sight of me. I am a victor, not a victim. How can you win a victory without an opponent?

Fibromyalgia is my opponent. It is also an opportunity for God's strength and grace to shine through in my life. I am blessed. How are you defining yourself today? By your limitations or by your opportunities? What if your limitation is your opportunity? Think about it.

Three Piercing Cries

A piercing cry splits the dawn
On that first Christmas morn.
Salvation draws its first ragged breath
in infant flesh, forlorn.

A piercing cry splits the sky
As demons and darkness rejoice.
Christ crucified; God glorified.
He stayed on the cross, His choice.

A piercing cry splits the dawn
On that first Easter morn.
An empty tomb; promised heavenly rooms
humanity's hope, reborn.

The Cross

The C.R.O.S.S. stands for:

Compassion not condemnation.

Resurrection not resignation.

Obedience not obstinance.

Salvation not survival.

Sanctification not sanctimony.

A Heart from which Gratitude Springs

Thank you for the dreary days of winter
and the starkness of bare trees.
Thank you for the green of new grass
and of freshly budding leaves.

Thank you for the blackest night
and the light daybreak brings.
Thank you for the rain and storms
and the growth that from them springs.

Thank you for the daffodil
and the rose with its thorns.
Thank you for the trilling bird
that helps to greet the morn.

Crashing waves and bubbling brook
both from your hand come.
Shall we thank you only when all is well
and not in the midst of the storms?

Thank you Jesus, please grant me a heart
from which gratitude always springs.
Thank you Jesus for all that transpires,
may I thank you in everything.